Healing. For everyone.

 We have a view that overlooks the Willamette River. It is a gorgeous view, and changes constantly. I cherish having that sort of beauty in my life- the always green forest, the rolling hills, the city on the other side of the river. Beauty inspires me, reminds me of the good parts of life, and I need that to be able to function. It only takes a moment, one look out the window, to remember why I try so hard to make my life better than it was.

Prayer is a way to gather one's will and wisdom to make good decisions and good change. I do not pray for other people unless they ask for me to- to me, unsolicited prayer is enforcing changes that I want for another person, regardless for what that person desires. I firmly believe in the efficacy of prayer, and I decline to subvert another's free will with it.

 Why does pain exist? Not just physical pain, but mental and spiritual pain, too. What purpose does it serve? Is there an upside? Is pain necessary? What about chronic pain? How does that change the answers to the previous questions? How does chronic pain change how I see the world? How has it changed me? Could I ever change IT?
I've never found a good, solid answer for any of these questions, and yet I find myself looking for them every day. I try to make sense of my condition and find a way to accept the limits it imposes, but I cannot accept that I will hurt every day for the rest of my life. I cannot accept that, because I think that would kill something in me that is very vital to who I am. So, I question it, turning it over and over in my mind in the hope that I'll find a way out of this mess that the doctors can't find.

For sheer  beauty, I'd have to say the acappella choir music of Anuna. The stunning purity of the sopranos' notes, the richness and clarity of the tenors- it brings tears of joy to my eyes every time.
The most unexpected thing that took my breath away was the very first flameworking class I ever took. The soft whump of the jet igniting, the feel of the glass growing warm and alive in my hand, the way it glowed and ran. It was possibly one of the most unexpectedly sensual experience I've ever had.

The happiest times of my life have always been linked to the coast. When I am near the ocean, something in me unkinks. I smile more naturally, have more energy, get more creative, and I end up doing something that I tend to forget how to do: relax. I don't even have to be on the shore itself. On the days that Salem is inunndated with fresh coastal air and the seagulls come inland, I get the same way. I couldn't say why this is. I'm too happy to have it to analyze it too much!

When I was young, I developed this horrible creeping fear of winter, because I thought all the wild animals died in the first snowfall. My dad, one snowy January day, bundled me up in a parka and mittens and took me out into the forest behind our home. He showed me the trackes made in the snow by rabbits and foxes and coyotes, tufts of fur left on brambles, and we even found a den of sleeping voles, proving to me that all the little animals I loved to watch, catch, and release were just fine and would be back in the springtime. Since then, I 've always loved winter, especially walking in snowy woods looking for tracks.

Lol! We met on okcupid.com, talked on the phone for a few weeks, and then went on our first date. First a movie, then coffee at a coffehouse. We sat there on a couch hinting at how good that couch would be to snuggle on, and both of us totally missed the other's hints. We ended up staying out until almost 4 a.m., driving and talking and talking and talking. It was like we'd known each other all our lives, and just hadn't seen each other in awhile. It's been four years since then, and maybe the urgent "OMG! I love you!"  kind of passion has worn off, but the love we feel together has acquired depths of understanding and dreams we dreamt together.

"I've broken through to longing
 Now, filled with a greif I have
 Felt before, but never like this.
 The center leads to love.
 Soul opens the creation core.
 Hold on to your particular pain.
 That too can take you to God.
 
 Pale sunlight,
 Pale the wall.
 Love moves away.
 The light changes.
 I need more grace than I thought."
-Rumi

The winter holiday season is the only time I get to give multiple people gifts all at once. The laughter and joy and bad wrapping jobs are things I live for. I love giving gifts. I'm notorious for getting my holiday shopping done in August and then having to do it again in November because I just couldn't wait to give the presentrs to people. I always try to get thing a person didn't know they needed, and I try to always give handmade or fair-trade gifts. A good gift gives in more ways than one, right?

Thoughts.

I submitted a portfolio to an art gallery. It's silly to think that I had such freezing terror at the idea of doing that (artistic creativity wasn't exactly encouraged when I was growing up, and old habits die hard). I did submit it, though. Created a CV, gave myself a crash course in photographing 3D art, crossed my fingers, and prayed. I was rejected, however, but I'd submit again in a heartbeat. I took my first step towards being an actual artist the day I mailed off that packet, and if I had decided against submitting the fear of rejection (and the greater fear of success) would have reduced the chances that I would ever try to submit to a gallery again. Starting college at age 30 was easier that that one trip to the post office to mail my portfolio!